Please Knock Me Up
by Little Jackie Papercut
Summary: An unexpected alchemy accident leaves Ed in a peculiar situation. Rating may go up.
1. The Turn

I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist so stop suing me already.  
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Knock knock.

"Ed? Are you in there?"

Knock knock knock.

"Nobody's seen you in weeks, are you still alive?"

Mustang was beginning to get irritated. He _knew_ Edward Elric had not left his bedroom in quite some time. Yet the Fullmetal refused to respond. With a sigh, Mustang raised one gloved hand and snapped his fingers.

The lock stopped working as the door was blown open by the small explosion Mustang created. "Sorry I had to use extreme force, kid," he called as he stepped inside. "You left me no choice..." Mustang's voice trailed off there. Ed was sitting with his back to the door, slumped over. In the corner Al stood instantly.

"Oh, Mr. Mustang, sir!" he said quickly. "We weren't expecting you to..."

"I know. Do you mind? We've got military business to see to."

Al hesitated, but left the room. Mustag watched him go, then turned back to Ed.

Something was different about Ed. For one thing, his hair seemed to be lighter than Mustang remembered. It also looked a little longer, though that was to be expected. It hung freely down his back. And somehow, Ed seemed to have gotten... shorter. It was hard to tell, because Ed was already short, and the difference wasn't much, and he wasn't sitting up straight, but he was deinitely shorter.

"Is everything alright here?" Mustang asked. "I know you have work to do before your evaluation, but it's not like you to stay out of sight for this long."

"Everything's fine," Ed replied. He sounded different, too.

"Well then, why don't you come with me. You need some fresh air. If you keep this up, your health will be ruined and we won't have any use for you even if you do manage to pass your..."

"You wanna know?" Ed asked harshly, standing and turning to face Mustang.

This was _definitely_ different.

"Ed, what..."

Ed showed Mustang something he hadn't noticed before... a tail. "Did you know animals can perform alchemy?"

Mustang thought for a moment. "No, I guess I didn't."

"They can. It's powerful, but they can't control it at all. You know that cafe down the street from the Central library?"

"I've been there a few times, yes."

"Well, I was getting a bite to eat there while I was doing some research. I looked down and there was this mouse eyeing my food. It climbed across the book I was reading to get at a bite, and I reached down to pick it up. Well, it got startled and stopped, right on top of a diagram of a transmutation circle in the book. As luck would have it, that circle was used to make chimeras. It activated the circle just as I touched it and combined itself with me. Fortunately I figured out what was going on in time to retain most of my regular body, though as you can see..."

"Yeah."

"So, now I'm part mouse. And I'd rather not have people finding out about it."

Mustang nodded. "Of course. I won't tell anyone." He turned to leave, then turned back. "Oh, and... the boobs?"

"The mouse was female."

"Makes sense."

With this exchange finished, Mustang turned and left the room. He paused one more time, this time not turning around. "Oh, and... happy birthday. You're sixteen today, right? If I'd known your birthday was going to be this bad, I'd have gotten you something." Once he was gone, Ed returned to sulking. On top of it all, he... _she_... had nothing to show at evaluation. She was now a girl, part mouse, and about to be an ex-State Alchemist.

After thinking for hours, suddenly her face lit up. "I know!" she said. "I'll turn a negative into a positive. I'll be my own evaluation presentation!"

The happy expression lasted about ten seconds before she really thought about it.

* * *

"How much longer is he going to make us wait?" griped Major General Hakuro.

Ed was late in showing up to her evaluation, which didn't surprise Mustang at all. In fact, Mustang found that he was significantly more surprised when Ed really did show up, only half an hour after she was supposed to.

"Sorry I'm late," she announced. "I had to take some time to get my notes together."

Hakuro simply stared blankly. "Edward Elric?" he asked, checking the name on the paper in front of him.

"That's me," Ed said.

Mustang stared, looking for any trace of a tail. He could see none. Of course not; Ed would have been sure to hide something like that before she came.

"Well, have a seat and let us see these notes," King Bradley said with a calm gesture.

There was a long silence as the three looked over the notes, then looked in unison at Ed, then read through the notes again.

"So," Hakuro said, "you're presenting alchemy with the power to change a person's gender?"

"Well, the information I have now, yeah."

"I don't believe I've ever seen anything quite like this," stated Bradley. "Can you demonstrate?'

"Well, uh... I haven't exactly been able to duplicate the effect."

Hakuro groaned. "You must be joking. You expect us to believe you figured out how to change your gender, and now you can't do it again?"

"I was a boy and now I'm a girl. Explain that one."

"It could be a disguise, and disguises, alchemical or not, have been done too many times to be acceptable."

"I'm afraid I must agree," Bradley said. "It would be impressive if this was real, but we just don't know. So I propose this. You have three months to prove to us that this is the real deal, or you'll have to hand in your watch."

"Hang on," Mustang said, "isn't there some other..."

"I'll do it," Ed interrupted. "I'll find a way to prove that this transformation is for real. I won't waste any time!"

* * *

Mustang sat at home, thinking about the situation. There was no way for Ed to really prove that she was a girl. Every detail could be simulated somehow. It had been three weeks, and she still hadn't come up with anything. He didn't want to lose his subordinate, but he didn't seem to have a choice in the matter.

As he pondered, someone knocked on the door. "Coming," he called as he rose to answer.

There on the doorstep was Edward Elric.

"Ah, Ed, what is it? Do you need something?" Mustang asked a little surprised to find Ed at his door.

"I figured it out."

"Hm?"

"I know how to prove that I'm really a girl."

"Well then, let's hear it."

"I need you to knock me up."

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As much as I like this kind of story this is technically the first I've ever written. How did I do?


	2. Late Nights in Central

I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist so stop suing me already.  
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"I think I heard you wrong. Could you repeat yourself?"

"They want proof that I'm really a female," Ed explained. "Well, who ever heard of a pregnant man? So..."

By now Mustang's eye was beginning to twitch. "Ed, I don't think you're thinking clearly," he said. "You're under a lot of stress, maybe you should go home and rest."

Ed shook her head slowly. "I'm out of options," she stated. "I don't have a choice. If I don't get pregnant, then it's no more State Alchemist for me."

"And tell me, what would the military want with a pregnant girl? You won't be able to fight."

"I don't even remember the last time I was sent on a mission that involved fighting anyway. I can still do research, that's all I really need to do."

"And I thought you hated me."

Ed had to think about this one for a minute. "Well, that's true," she said, "but that doesn't change the fact that you're the only one who knows my secret."

For a moment Mustang tried to think of another argument, but he had had quite enough of this. "Look, just get out of my house," he said, shoving Ed out the door.

* * *

The next morning, Mustang was seated behind his desk, as always. Into the room walked who else but Ed. Mustang looked up from his paperwork as she approached. Placing both hands on the desk she announced, "I'm not giving up that easily." 

"I told you last night, Ed," Mustang stated flatly, "I'm not going to..."

She held up a hand to silence him. "Now, you might want to hold that thought," she said, raising her other hand to her shoulder. "After all,you haven'tconsidered evetything yet," she added with a smirk as she began to pull at the cloth, revealing some more flesh.

"Colonel!"

Just in time, Second Lieutenant Jean Havoc hurried into the room as Ed ceased this action. "I have a mess...age..." he blinked a few times, looking quite confused. "Whoa, Ed, that's a new look for you."

Ed, resisting the urge to punch him, muttered "idiot" under her breath.

Mustang ignored this. "What is it, Havoc?"

"Huh? Oh, right. I've got a message from the Fuhrer."

"In that case..." both stopped and looked at Ed.

"Sorry, Ed," Havoc said, "but this is for the Colonel's ears only."

"Fine," she replied dismissively as she walked out the door. "I was leaving anyway."

A short distance from the office, she bumped into First Lieutenant RizaHawkeye. "Huh? Ed? Is something wrong?" Hawkeye asked.

She didn't sound at all surprised by Ed's appearance, and Ed supposed that Mustang had told her. Well, it wasn't as though she wouldn't have found out anyway. "It's nothing," Ed said, continuing on her way. It was time to come up with a plan.

* * *

"He was last seen in this area..." 

There seemed to have been a rash of disappearances lately. Ordinarily this wouldn't have been a problem for Mustang, but well over half those missing were military personnel, and now Mustang had been assigned to lead the investigation. Now they were on the scene of the latest disappearance, and Mustang's subordinates were combing every inch of the area in search of anything, even one rock out of place. This was not the time to disturb Mustang at all.

As Ed approached, Mustang wondered if that was why she was about to.

Honestly, Ed had no idea Mustang would be there. She would never dream of interfering with a military investigation. It was too bad she didn't know this was a military investigation. "Oh, hi, Mustang!" she called out, rather loudly.

Without turning, Mustang put hishand to her forehead. "Ed, this is very important so please go..." here he paused. He was sure this was where her forehead should be. So why didn't it feel like her forehead? He gave it an experimental push, and Ed cleared her throat. Mustang turned and looked down.

She was standing on a stepladder and grinning just a little. The reason it hadn't felt like her forehead was that it was her breast.

Everyone present seemed to be holding their breath, watching to see what would happen. They didn't have to wait long. "Ed, GET OUT OF HERE!" Mustang yelled, snapping his fingers and incinerating the stepladder. With a small yelp of surprise, Ed hurried away. Mustang sighed, rubbing his forehead, as he turned back to his subodinates and noticed that they were still staring. "Well, what are you waiting for? Get back to work," he ordered.

* * *

The next two days were a living hell for Mustang. 

Ed simply did not give up, and Mustang was beginning to suspect that she was trying to torture him more than anything else. The missing persons investigation had hit a dead end. And the paperwork! Even before it had seemed as though all Mustang ever did was paperwork. Paperwork all day every day. But in the last week, the amount piling up on his desk had at least tripled.

And that is why Mustang now sat quietly in a bar on the south side of Central. As he drained yet another beer, he got the vague impression there was something else he should be doing.

* * *

Hawkeye scanned the room once more. "Where is he?" she asked herself before stepping outside and locating the nearest pay phone. 

Aftea few rings, she heard a click, followed by Ed's voice. "Yeah? Who is this?"

"Ed, it's me, Lieutenant Hawkeye. Listen, have you seen Mustang anywhere?"

In her apartment, Ed blinked. "Uh, no... why do you ask?"

"Well, it's..." Hawkeye was slightly embarrassed to say it but it wasn't really a secret, "we were supposed to meet... for dinner... a, well... listen, can you help me find him?"

Ed felt a twinge of some undefinable emotion upon hearing this. "Uh, yeah, sure," she said after a moment of silence. "Leave it to me, I'll track him down."

"We were supposed to meet at a restaurant on the north end of town, so I'll look aroundthe area. You take the south end. I'm counting on you."

Click.

Ed stared at the phone for a moment before gently placing it back on its cradle. "I'll find him for sure." Then, without another word she dashed out the door.

* * *

It was about now that a completely inebriated Mustangrose to his feet and strode toward the door. Well, he wanted to stride toward the door, but it would be more accurate to say that he staggered toward the door. Actually, he didn't stagger toward the door. He staggered toward a particularly large bar patron and slammed right into him. 

"Heys, watch wheres yous goins theres," said the other man.

"Sorry about that, my good man," Mustang slurred. "I'm just... I'm just so confused."

"Is thats a fact?" the portly fellow asked. "Well, whys donts yas tells me alls abouts it."

"Well, you see," Mustang began, his words scarcely intelligible through the thick liquorese accent, "it started about five, six weeks ago..."

* * *

Ed had been all over the south side of town and there was no sign of Mustang at all. "Maybe Hawkeye's found him," she said to herself, leaning against a lamppost. She stared emptily at the building across the street. After some time, she turned to go, then stopped. It could have been anyone, but she thought she saw someone in a military uniform through the window, slumped over on a counter. She hurried over to the door and wrenched it open, only to find her path blocked. 

"How old are you, miss?" asked the man standing in the doorway.

"I'm sixteen," she replied, "why, what's it to you?"

"You can't set foot in this bar unless you're twenty-one, or accompanied by someone who is."

Ed swore under her breath. "But my uncle's in there," she lied. "If you'll just let me in I'll stick close to him."

"Sorry, but unless your uncle comes and gets you, you're staying out here."

"Damn."She turned and started to walk away from the bar. but someone called out to her.

"Heys, is this whos yours lookins fors?"

Ed looked back to see a fat man with bare arms supporting an unconscious Mustang.

"He passed outs halfways throughs tellins me his life story." He set Mustang down gently. "Yous better takes hims homes."

Ed took a moment to reply. "Um, thank you," she said hastily, shouldering the weight of Mustang. "I guess we'll be going now."

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Futurama also doesn't belong to me, for those of you who were wondering.


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